


The Village in my Mind

by SilverNinetales



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, Light Angst, Mental Health Issues, Slow Build, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-12-01 23:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20931371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverNinetales/pseuds/SilverNinetales
Summary: "My name is Chihiro Fujisaki, and I am a girl. Well, not quite, but that’s just what I tell everyone. I realized when I was young there was no point to telling people I was a boy because they wouldn’t believe me. They saw a girl, and therefore I was a girl. But despite having the body of a girl, I am not girl. Well, I mean I have, uh, well, a girl’s chest and, uhm, girl parts, but I assure you this. I am a boy. And I have always been a boy and I want you to know that."Chihiro Fujisaki is a trans boy, scared and confused and dysphoric. Stuck presenting as a girl, he wishes for the day that people will look at him and see a boy looking back at them. But if there's anything to know about Chihiro, it's that he was never one to give up, and he won't until he becomes stronger. He won't give up until he's the person he wants to be.





	The Village in my Mind

“My name is Chihiro Fujisaki, and I am a girl. Okay, wait no, that’s wrong. That came out wrong. I mean that everybody thinks of me as a girl. However, that's not right. I’m actually a boy. A transgender boy. Born female, transitioning to male. I realized when I was younger that there was no point in telling people I was a boy because they wouldn’t believe me. They saw a girl in front of them, so therefore I was a girl to them.

“But despite having the body of a girl, I am not girl. Well, I mean I have, uh, well, a girl’s chest and, uhm, girl parts, and… well, you get the point that I wasn’t born with a boy’s body, but I assure you this. I am a boy. In my mind, I’m a boy. I am a boy, and I have always been a boy and I want you to know that because you are a really good friend of mine. This- “

I looked down at what I was writing and sighed. No one would take me seriously with a letter like this, especially since it was so important. How did I even manage to stutter my words in writing? I crumbled up the paper and tossed it in the waste bin by me desk. Hands cupped around my face and my spine slouching over, I rested my elbows on the desk. Tears of frustration burned as they built up behind my eyes, but I blinked them away quickly. A normal boy wouldn’t be crying over a stupid letter. For goodness sake, a normal boy wouldn’t have to write a coming out letter like this.

And a normal boy wouldn’t have to tell people they were a boy.

And with that I actually started to cry. And I wished that things had been different, that I hadn’t been born like this. I bury my face in my arms, letting my thoughts tear me apart. The world becomes hazy and all I’m aware of is my body and the space it takes up.

Knock knock knock. A series of knocks on my dorm room door taps me out of my dysphoric haze with each rap. Strong, sturdy, and way too loud for someone to be knocking at… what time was it? I glance at the digital clock by my bedside. 10:16 PM. With a knock like that, I knew who it was right away. I swiveled out of my chair, adjusted the rim of the skirt I wore and opened the door. There stood Mondo, a hulking figure above my meek stance, with a disgruntled look on his face. Mondo wore his expressions on his sleeve: it was obvious he was annoyed. I dawdled on, staring at him dumbfounded, until I remember the time with a jump. 10:16 already?

“You were late, so I came to check on you,” Mondo says, stepping into my room. His presence makes the room feel smaller under his stance, and I shuffle my feet awkwardly. He sits on my bed, so I stay near the door, closing it. Though seemingly ticked off, I can tell he’s trying really hard to hold it back. I hope that it does. “We meet every night, 10:00 sharp. You’ve never missed one goddamn meeting before. What’s going on, Chi? Are you ditchin’? Feelin' shitty? What's going on?” Our night time workout sessions Mondo agreed to help me with. We’ve had them every night for weeks. And I’ve never missed one. I’ve never forgotten, not once. Was I really that worked up? I kick myself mentally and my mood becomes more somber. I never wanted to take these sessions for granted.

“I-I’m really sorry, Mondo. I was… was…” Just writing my coming out letter to you. By the way, there’s something I want to tell you. So, hypothetically speaking, what if I just so happened to be a guy? But I know I can’t say any of that to him right now. It took up all of my courage to write that letter, but it’s not like any of the drafts were working out for me right now. It’ll have to wait, I know. A better time will come, so I pick the best excuse I can think of. “Finishing up some homework. I had a lot of bugs to fix in the script I’m writing.” It was almost true. I had been working on coding just before I had decided to write the letter. I muster a smile. I always loved talking about programming. “It was just some simple code, but it was pretty long, and I had accidentally mixed up some of my variables. Nothing I couldn’t handle with a bit of time, though. I am the Ultimate Programmer after all. Time flies when you’re programming, hmm?” I look at him sweetly.

He looks back at me, expression deadpanned and confused. I’ve tried explaining the works of programming to him before, but even the very basics made his brain all jumbled. “Uh... right. So, you coming tonight or not? I’m not losing my fucking sleep waiting on you, y’know.” He blushes, shakes his head and turns away from me, clearly distraught. I know he doesn’t like losing his temper in front of me, so I try my best not to tempt him. Though many probably haven’t noticed, his temper has mild since we’ve started hanging out more often. I won’t keep him waiting, I decide. I nod towards him and we exit the room together. Though I can tell he’s angry, I know he’d never yell at me. I’m aware of his soft spot for me. I place my hand on his arm gently, grabbing his attention. He turns to me, his sharp eyes softening in my delicate touch.

“I know I tell you this a lot, but thank you for all of your help, Mondo. I couldn’t do any of this without you. You’ve helped me improve a lot since we’ve started training together. I… really appreciate it!” I’m grinning and I know he understands how much he’s helped me by doing this. I just wanted him to know it again. “S’no problem, Chihiro,” he mutters, lips curling in a smile. He pats my head and we walk down the empty corridors of Hope’s Peak until we reach the locker rooms.

He nods a goodbye and we part ways, him entering the male locker rooms and me entering the females. Though I really would prefer not having to go in the female locker rooms at all, it makes me grateful that we do these training sessions during the nighttime; rarely was there ever a girl in the locker rooms late at night. Not as if it didn’t happen. My mind recalls the time I walked in on my classmates Asahina and Sakura after a particularly late exercise session of theirs and was greeted with a bombardment of questions from the swimmer. “What are you doing here so late?” “I didn’t take you as an athlete, Chihiro!” “Why don’t you ever practice with us? It would be a fun way to get in some fun girls bonding!” My face instantly heated with embarrassment at the thought. I liked Hina a lot, and I considered her a friend. I knew she meant well, but it only served to make me more anxious and dysphoric. 

I open up my locker and take out my gym clothes. I look at them folded neatly in my hand, and sigh. I set them down gently and slowly start to undress. Unbuttoning my blouse, unbuckling the suspenders holding up my skirt, undoing the bow around my neck. I never look in the mirror. How could I look in the mirror? I knew it was stupid to do so. It only served to upset me further at how feminine I looked with my rounded chest and thighs. My thin waist and soft skin. My lithe figure and big, doll eyes. I stand there now in my undergarments, hesitating. Hesitating. For what though? I consider for a second entertaining my thoughts.

I put my hand against my chest and this time I do face the mirror.

Mirrors are funny. No matter how much I hate who stares back at me, I’m always drawn back into them. Reflections are complex, and it can be hard to see yourself correctly in them at times. Or, mostly I’m sure, it’s harder to not see the person you’d rather look like in front of you. A part of me always hopes I will. Maybe my body has finally changed, some way in hell. But I know that’s too much to ask for, because I always see the same frightened girl staring back at me. She’s lost and confused and can’t understand why she hates her body so much. It doesn’t feel like hers, she knows. Chihiro knows.

I stopped associating myself with her a long time ago. Well, it’s more like I couldn’t associate myself with her at times. Disassociation. I was 15 when it started. I had just gotten dressed and had gone to check my hair in the mirror to see if I had messed it up. And the longer I stared, the less I felt like it was me staring back. It was some girl. I wasn’t a girl. It’s a scary thing. But I knew that was me staring back into my eyes in the glass, deep from somewhere within me. My hand still rests against my chest, rounder and fuller than I like. I glance at the rest of my body and I wish for it to fit me better. I want to feel comfortable in my skin. For it to fit me like I was meant to wear it proudly.

But that’s why I’m doing this, isn’t it? It’s why I’ve stayed up until midnight every night training my heart out so I could get stronger. So, even if it was just a piece at a time, I’d be more like myself. I focus my attention on my arms. They’re about as scrawny as the rest of me, but I can tell they’re getting bigger. Tenser, stronger, bulkier. I smile a genuine smile for the first in a long time while staring at my reflection. It’s got to be worth something, huh? My efforts every night, training until my muscles are crying out, it’s working. Oh god, it’s really working! Oh my god… I’m becoming myself, pieces at a time.

I put on my PE clothes finally, satisfied, if only just for a little bit, and exit into the main exercise room. Mondo’s already there, changed into his PE uniform as well. He looks so much bigger with his arms exposed, it’s almost scary. His muscles are gleaned and ripped from years of working out. His figure is the entire embodiment of muscular masculinity. Boy, am I really glad I chose him to help me this.

“You finally fucking ready, Chihiro? Took you awhile in there.” Though his tone is serious, there’s a light-hearted air to him reflected in his stance. I can tell he enjoys these sessions too, and I’m filled with a warm sense of happiness at that. He’s holding two dumbbells in either hand. One looks like it would topple me in a second, and the other one pales in weight in comparison. Mine. I huff out a small laugh at the image.

“I’m sorry, Mondo,” I say, more confident than I had expected to sound. I pump my fist in the air and hop up a bit. “I’m ready now, I promise.” He sets down his dumbbell, strides over to me and claps his hand on my shoulder. His cheeks are flushed and he’s grinning. “That’s what I like to hear, Chi. You ready to start?” 

He hands me my dumbbell, and my arm holds it up. I remember for a second of when I held this weight for the first time. My arm had collapsed under the weight. Now I could hold it up steady with one hand. Progress. I’m making progress. I’m getting stronger. Tears of happiness swell in my eyes as I realize how far I’ve come so far. And there's not a chance that I'm gonna quit anytime soon. For the kid I used to be, the kid who would stare at the other boys in his classes and wonder why he was so different to them, I won't give up. “I’m ready, Mondo.”

**Author's Note:**

> First ever chapter of my first ever fanfiction. Comments and critique are greatly welcomed.


End file.
